Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Consider the plank well and truly walked...

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Scurvy, according to the Websters Online Dictionary, is a potentially fatal condition first encountered in the 13th century during long sea voyages. Caused by a prolonged lack of vitamin C intake, those unfortunate enough to be struck down with scurvy displayed joint pain, loose gums, lack of energy, livid welts, and bleeding from the mucous membranes. Although now considered to be a rare disease easily cured and avoided with the simple application of citrus fruits, it would appear that the development team at Eurocom Entertainment were stranded at sea for long periods during production of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - and, evidently, there was little to no fruit onboard.

Indeed, based on the aforementioned medical symptoms, it's plain to see that At World's End is a game that fails monumentally to convey convincing animation, that lacks teeth, offers no pace or conviction, is wholly unattractive aesthetically, and is, for all intents and purposes, a complete bloody mess. Not even Captain Jack's smile-inducing ramblings and the integration of the Wii Remote and Nunchuk can save the Wii version from dragging your very will to live down to the gameplay depths alongside Davey Jones' locker (which, you might be interested to note, is crammed with movie treasure such as Ubisoft's Charlie's Angels, and D3's Flushed Away... how fitting).

The problem with At World's End, as with the vast majority of movie tie-ins, is that it hasn't been produced to provide a standalone gameplay experience for discerning players satisfied only by groundbreaking content. No, it's been designed to cheaply and shamelessly bolster ticket receipts for a brief period of time while the movie source material enjoys its (usually) undeserving run at the top of the Hollywood chart listings. One need only look back over the past few summers to see that March/April through to August/September has become an oddly barren time slot that's increasingly devoid of 'real' releases, while such dross as Spider-Man 3, and now Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, suck dry the fanatical enthusiasm of easily appeased movie fans.

Moreover, in the case of At World's End, players hoping to re-enact the on-screen summer shenanigans of Capt. Jack (Depp), Will Turner (Bloom), Elizabeth Swann (Knightley), and Capt. Barbossa (Rush), all of whom are sporadically accessible throughout the game, will first have to traipse inexplicably through more than three hours of soul-destroying gameplay that covers the preceding movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. Why? No idea, except to say trawling through it all is hardly worth the effort expended by the time you do get to fresh content (provided you've not already seen the latest movie offering or hung yourself from the main sail beforehand). The story is entirely faithful to the film(s) it borrows from, at least insofar as it makes absolutely no sense, trips from one sequence to the next without due explanation, and is filled with performances so atrocious that Mr. Bean on Holiday suddenly becomes as notable as Citizen Kane.

In terms of presentation, you categorically know that you're in the presence of gaming mediocrity when bland sub-PS2 environments are home to poor look-a-like characters that glide up steps rather than physically walk, don't believably grip or stand on rungs when navigating ladders, and run with an inhuman waddle as though they've abruptly emptied their bowels into their britches prior to each level. What's more, from a design point of view, everything in-game is so thoroughly lacking in ambition and thought process that the restrictive linearity and one-dimensional objectives imposed on the player begin to grind the patience long before the poor visual details.

Challenge is also a point of major grievance, with the game offering so little by way of compelling narrative or quest-based content, that it's left to the integral Wii Remote swordplay system to carry the weight of both difficulty and longevity. Sadly it all-too soon fails to swash its buckle, rather just buckling under its own ineffectuality the very first time Capt. Jack unsheathes his (t)rusty blade. The swordplay control system is merely a case of swinging the Wii Remote in a combination of basic directions to chain together attack moves (while a button on the Nunchuk initiates a laughable defensive stance). Yet, while that sounds simple - and potentially fulfilling enough - especially given the undeniable attraction of the Wii's motion-sensing controllers, the developers clearly recognised that the battle system was the game's only chance at genuine challenge and subsequently threw so many on-screen enemies into the mix that chained moves and strategic defence become virtually impossible as sword blows and other attacks rain down from all directions.

The game's biggest failing, however (yes, it gets worse), falls at the feet of the unannounced contextual interruptions and truly disgraceful "Jackanism" gameplay interludes. Specifically, at certain points during the action, a particular controller button or Wii Remote movement will flash up on screen and the player must execute it successfully to avoid, for example, being beaten to death by a Kraken's tentacle. However, these Shenmue-like additions must be completed with such speed and precision that it's not unusual to repeat the same (changing) sequences over and over before finally progressing. The same system is employed during focused Jackanism instances, where certain tasks can be completed by correctly hitting contextual on-screen prompts that move the action onward to an eventual climax. However, unlike the regular in-game contextual breaks, successfully completed Jackanisms garner valuable reputation points for the character... but players only get one shot. A single mistake and it's all over, the scripted situation collapses instantly and a convoy of angry foes is usually the player's only reward.

Truly, the Jackanisms in At World's End are likely to cause more (angrily) cracked TV screens than any amount of time on Wii Sports, particularly because motion detection is not always accurate, with the correctly applied movements often prompting scream-inducing failure while enthusiastic button pushes on the Remote can also be received as an up and down movement by the sensor bar.

With most negative gaming reviews there's generally something positive to say that highlights a moment of worth in an otherwise dark and dreary experience, but sadly that's simply not the case with Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Yes, there's plenty of (fractured) action to be had, there are basic secondary missions to search out, there's treasure to collect, and there are even poker and dice-based gambling distractions too. But, all in all, whether Jack Sparrow ever defeats the evil Davey Jones, whether Will Turner ever frees his father from the confines of The Flying Dutchman, whether the confusing return of (dead) Captain Barbossa is ever explained, or whether you actually reach the end of the game... rest assured you simply won't care one way or the other.

Heed our advice now, be yee a Pirates of the Caribbean fan or nay, and steer clear of this scurvy-infested wreck of a game. But take one thing of note away with you from this review though, one thing that you really can hold on to as you pass At World's End by: we'll always play(tm) the crap games so that you don't have to.

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By Stevie Smith