Despite what my colleagues and I might like to tell ourselves, we are not quite the be all and end all of games judgment. There is an arbitrator even greater, and no – I'm not referring to our beloved Editor. The last and in many way only really valid critic of a game's value is the good ol' free market. This final and absolute system of judgement will ninety-nine times out of a hundred nail the actual worth of the game as the wider public vote with their wallets. Admittedly, for every rightful plaudit and pound that goes to 2 there is an Ico starving for its art in the wings, but you can't fault it as an overall yardstick.

Imagine then, if you will, what it is saying that at your local game emporium a brand new still cellophane-wrapped copy of Celebrity Sports Showdown fetches only 3 GBP in trade.

Less still in actual cash.

It is fair to say the market has spoken.

Apparently swearing, quite loudly.

Celebrity Sports Showdown comes out of EA's Canadian studio, a collection of mini-games that falls under the woefully misnamed 'party game' genre. It is a signal example of the jaundiced and cynical games developed in sweatshop studios the world over, an ugly corruption of the Wii's original lofty goals. The friendly little white box from was going to bridge generation gaps, open wide the closed gamer community, and stand up to those muscle-bound next-gen bullies. Instead it spawned a flood of badly conceived titles now flogging the long decomposed horse of the Wiimotes motion sensors and a legion of abominable, opportunistic pherials.

Perhaps displaying the uncanny foresight of vermin everywhere, the sweatshop studios are tacking on increasingly barrel-scraping gimmicks to their party game offerings. has decided, inexplicably, that poor celebrity likenesses would be their hook to capture the gaming youth and magically conceal the paucity of invention or craft. True to the formula displayed on reality television, a program that would have been simply tedious before becomes simulations tedious and tragic when you add b-list celebrities to the mix.

The line up of ten celebrities playable range from the merely odious such as Avril Lavigne, Fergie (of the lady lumps, not the polo ponies) and Nelly Furtado, to the slightly surreal choices of Kristi Yamaguchi and Sugar Ray Leonard. And then there's the completely obscure, such as Reggie Bush and Mia Hamm. If you don't recognise these names, fear not, as there's practically no chance of recognising anyone in this game so badly is their likeness captured. The design team, as much as there was such a thing, were clearly trying to go for the rounded cutesie styling of the Mii's, but far better likenesses are produced regularly on the Mii Channel look-alike parades. The appearances are devoid of character, with none of the animation touches that could have made them (for want of a better term) actually animated, nor is there even a single bit of speech written or recorded. The likenesses were clearly licensed in the cheapest way legally possible, a practice in keeping with the production values thought the title. If the roster of ten or so celebrities isn't enough, there are an additional dozen or so 'wannabe' characters, comprising a parade of character cliche from the soldier to the Goth to the fairy godmother to be unlocked. There might have been a twinkling of merit in unlocking the celebrities as you went along, but instead you add to a roster of unlikeable human dross with examples of unlikeable fictional dross instead.

The mini-games are predictable in their lack of logic or development, all feeling suspiciously as if they were built around a particular movement that a manual told EA a Wiimote could detect. Twelve activities are on offer. Slalom Showdown – like Fit's skiing without the marginal health benefits. Joust Duel – a degrading trip into madness and meaningless flailing. Rapid Fire Archery – a shooting game that makes Duck Hunt look like the state-of-the-art. Air Race – an abomination of a game that dejectedly gives up even on the gimmick of the likenesses. Suffice to say the controls are desperately unresponsive, requiring more and more violent gestures until a seemingly random response is generated, often comedicly at odds with the desired input. It's hard to say whether the actual gameplay handles terribly or the motion detection does, but to give them both the benefit of the doubt I'll call it a draw.

Many games in the genre of Celebrity Sports Showdown have clawed some semblance of dignity back when played with friends. The kindly glow generated by alcoholically facilitated social gatherings has cast several mini-game compilations in a more kindly light. Ninja Reflex, whilst tedious on ones own, was a jolly way to go all red and blotchy in company after a night out, and Wii Sports gets an occasional dusting off after a white wine spritzer or two. Celebrity Sports Showdown is unable to reflect well even in such kindly conditions, offering only the camaraderie of a shared suffering.

Celebrity Sports Showdown is not the worst game on the Wii, but its not a long way off. Only the Interactive against humanity Pool Party stands out as much worse than this, but by a lot narrower margin than any game should. I have resolved to go back to the local games emporium and see if I can instead give them 3 GBP to take this disaster far, far away.

30%

By Duncan Lawson

Comments

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  1. papatater Unregistered 10 months ago

    your reviews are way off. this is a blast to play w/friends & family. easy to pick up the controls w/o having to view a whole slew of instructions. this is designed to just have fun & not have to get to harder levels. we played all night long & had others fighting to play.