Heroes over Europe

Eurotrashed

If the evolution of videogames has shown us anything, it's that true creativity is rarely rewarded and profit-whoring publishers will almost always prefer to play safe by rehashing gaming genres that were shit yesterday, are shit today, and will be shit tomorrow. Think about it. Even if a slice of videogame innovation makes it through the pitching process and avoids bastardisation during development, it's invariably spat on by ignorant consumers intent on supporting Generic Shooter 4, Rinse and Repeat RPG 13 or Sporting Statistical Tweak 2010. Case in point, how many of you plan on buying Scribblenauts?

Yet, while the above genre examples paper over their derivative structuring by honing borrowed gameplay and polishing presentation to a gleam, the true gut punch for videogame originality slams home squarely whenever publishers choke down liberal amounts of Dollar Sign Laxative, part their cheeks and shamelessly pebbledash the stained U-bend of gaming with spluttering crap like Heroes over Europe.

Unfortunately for Ubisoft and Heroes over Europe, this isn't the first time I've been forced to suffer the bloated corn skins, half-chewed peanuts and expelled blood cells of a videogame that involves controlling a host of battling war machines via an exterior viewpoint. Battlestations: Midway, Ace Combat 6: Fires of Liberation, Over G Fighters Heroes of the Pacific and now Heroes over Europe, have all contributed to this outpouring of vitriol towards a gaming genre that should never have made the geek leap from PC to console. They also illustrate just how willing publishers are to suck greedily on Satan's bountiful teats while blindly eschewing originality in favour of flogging a gameplay horse that's been dead so long that maggots are clearly gorging on its malodorous corpse from within.

Everything about Heroes over Europe reeks of cheap development, rushed deadlines and a general disregard for overall quality. Beyond the promisingly pretty tutorial mission high above the French Alps, the game's ground-based aesthetic soon gives way to a grimy, near-lifeless War Room presentation as the action heats up in the air and rolling missions strive to divert attention from lacklustre environments. However, as with all flight-and-fight videogames, attacking bombers, brawling with fighter aces, strafing troops and bombing artillery reveals a significantly more integral shortfall - namely the gameplay is a confusing mess. But hey, that's what it must have been like to live by the seat of your pants behind the stick of a World War II plane, right? Fair enough, but that doesn't mean historic authenticity immediately translates into great gameplay. And, following established trends, it certainly doesn't translate in Heroes over Europe.

Imagine it this way, if you will: Being caught in Heroes over Europe's arcade (or pseudo-simulation) gameplay is the equivalent of sticking your head into a shoddily painted box full of dumb but weaponised flies, bluebottles, wasps and bumblebees and then struggling to follow the ensuing action as the enclosed occupants buzz around just out of view and blow one another to insect hell. What's more, spending vast chunks of often-precious mission time not only struggling to keep abreast of enemy positioning but also keep them within clear shooting range is never anything less than a humungous pain in the ass. The game tries to provide close-quarter incentive in the form of Ace Kill slow motion sequences, which allow players to zoom in and target vital parts of enemy planes and perform instant takedowns if they're able to maintain a short distance. Correctly executed, the Ace Kill can quickly dispatch all manner of opponents and can even be chained to create ultimate levels of destruction.

You may have noticed that I said the game "tries" to provide incentive. Specifically, while small fighter planes are unsurprisingly nimble and quick to evade incoming attacks, it's an absolute travesty to note that supposedly sluggish bombers are also blessed with an evasive prowess that a cornered rabbit would be proud of. While we're on the subject of fortuitously evading a good cooking, the player's fighter plane can be riddled with gaping bullet holes across the wings and fuselage and yet handling remains unchanged regardless of excessive speed or aggressive manoeuvring. Also, as unaware of the destructive control deficiency as a coma patient with Parkinson's disease, brushing treetops or belly flopping off water when pulling out of a dive does not, I repeat, does not result in a burning ball of mangled metal and a decapitated pilot. It's glorious to witness, watching with slack-jawed bewilderment as your tattered and torn plane clatters through foliage and slaps waves before rising back towards the clouds. Staggeringly poor.

While the gradually unfolding selection of authentic aircraft offered up across the woefully/blissfully short single-player campaign is sizable and may be sufficient to attract budding pilots, the limp control mechanics of said fighter craft is likely to have them foregoing a parachute in favour of the PlayStation 3's eject button. Granted, appalling collision physics and non-existent handling damage aside, I'm willing to concede that most World War II planes were limited by 1940's technology and therefore the representations in Heroes over Europe are not exactly darting blurs of lead-spewing death. But boredom quickly becomes a creeping cancer when performing a seemingly endless procession of strafing runs and dogfight flybys punctuated by intolerably slow and lumbering banking manoeuvres. If I truly wanted to endure the lack of entertainment associated with such slow and lumbering turns, I'd buy front-row seats at a variety show performed by mentally deficient fatties. That would at least be preferable to wasting hard-earned green on Heroes over Europe - and it would certainly improve my self-esteem.

Perhaps the biggest point of detraction I can level at Heroes over Europe is directed more at series developer Transmission Games and publisher Ubisoft, and it is this: I struggled to stomach an hour with the online multiplayer component of the game, and not because I couldn't establish a connection or because I kept getting bumped from dogfights, but because no-one is playing. Hitting PSN at peak time, I expected to see an online sky positively crammed with other pilots looking to rack up some easy kills. What I found were the same eight or 10 players in almost every Quick Game that I entered. Searching for specific game types to join, or creating and hosting specific game modes resulted in a big fat zero - no one joining, no one already playing. It was pathetic, and only served to further highlight the massive lack of appeal surrounding Heroes over Europe.

If I haven't already made it blisteringly clear, I'd advise avoiding Heroes over Europe. I'd recommend avoiding it at full-price retail, while also avoiding it at rental and also at the base of the bargain bucket (which is where its dull and repetitive action and shoehorned narrative is surely taking it). Personally speaking, the game has long since been removed from my PS3's tortured disk tray in order to allow me to seek out a more fulfilling leisure pastime. I've settled on beating my exposed genitalia with a honey-coated meat tenderiser while whistling A Spoonful of Sugar. Find your own reward, just do yourself a favour and don't include Heroes over Europe.

40%

By Frank Meinungen